Have your cake and eat it

So, ... what is the point of cake if you can't eat it? How do I live the life less ordinary without disrupting the status quo, without upsetting those I love and care about, without damaging what I already have? Why in so many cases does a mid life crisis seem to suggest me doing away what I already have? Why can it it not simply be a modification or an enhancement of what I already have? Why can I not have my cake and eat it?

I decided to go out on a limb last weekend and breach the subject of mid life ... reviews .. with my wife. I could see a look of concern in her eyes, but fortunately I also saw a glimmer of understanding. I talked for a while about though being happy with what we have, also feeling unfulfilled and my desire to do 'more' even though I'm not quite sure exactly what that is yet. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I feel as long as I am reasonable in my decision making then so will she in her understanding.

A breath of fresh air

I've always believed that we should derive the greatest pleasures in life from the simplest of things. Thanks to capitalism, we do seem to have to pay for most things these days but they do still say the best things in life are free. Following my post about living in a box, I've noticed something very simple that gives me a lot of pleasure. Fresh air.

At present I have a stinking cold and the accompanying lethargy. However, due to the extremely high levels of rain this year not only have my lawns been thriving, I haven't had a chance to cut them for over a month. Although, I like the idea of gardening my motivation is usually embarrassment. Unfortunately for me, and my neighbours, I do seem to live in a neighbourhood were people take some pride in their house and I suspect a touch of underlying one-up-manship in a few cases. The fact that the appearance of my house is not high up on my agenda right now must annoy a few them, particularly during the recent Euro 2012 where we alone proudly hung out the St. George's cross introducing a level of chaviness to the street.

So despite being knackered and snotty yesterday I felt compelled to try and at least cut the front lawn which was looking more like a meadow or nature reserve. Though I got rained on briefly, I found the fresh air wonderful. 

As a kid I was very ourdoorsy. I camped, went fishing, enjoyed cycling and the likes. I was lucky that across the road from our house were woodlands and fields and often, especially at weekends and during holidays, I would have breakfast and set off to play in the great outdoors not returning until it was time for supper. I guess, in this respect, I spent much of this time looking at, smelling, feeling, listening to nature and I miss these simple pleasures.

From time to time when I have mustered up the energy for a run I enjoy running cross-country and it acts as a brief reminder of these happy times. Running by the river is what prompted me to get some fishing gear again, and also to dig out my old canoe. I've yet to find the time to use them but just having them as an option feels good.

This morning I had to take one of the cars for an MOT. Whilst I waited I took advantage of the complimentary coffee and sat out on their little patio. Despite being in the middle of an industrial estate, once again the breathe of fresh air was good, slightly tinged with industrial-ness, but still good. Maybe even just the feel of a breeze works.

Living in a box

I think there has been a catalyst to my recent mental ramblings. I work from home. In principal its great. No wasting time and money or damaging the environment commuting. It allows me great flexibility in helping out with the kids. I don't need to wear a suit and tie, in fact I can work in my pants!

But it's not all happy pant wearing work schedules, there are some downsides. It can be hard to discipline yourself when you most need to. Work hours seem to go out of the window and because you're at home people sometimes call you when they're at home, like evenings and weekends. Also, when you leave for a place of work the kids know you have gone to work. When you're sitting in the next room it's not always an easy concept for them to grasp when you keep dismissing them and asking them to leave.

Perhaps one of the biggest negative parts is the isolation. In my previous job I was Mr Social and had a great social life around my work. Now I'm just a voice on the end of a phone, not even that most days, an email. I often do not leave the house, sometimes for days. Even then when I do it just for a local trip often less than a mile. I cannot help thinking this isolation is magnifying the problem. Some days the silence is deafening and that's when the mind start to wander ...

P.S. No that's not me pictured in the box.Yet.

As good as it gets

"Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here. "

Kevin Spacey / American Beauty

Oops, wrong quote but similar sentiment ..

"What if this is as good as it gets? "

Jack Nicholson / As Good As It Gets

Isn't this what it's all about? Or at least a significant part of it. Doesn't this thought scare the sh!t out of us? Guess it depends upon the current state of 'this'.

One man can make a difference

Ok, time out for a quick example of a life less ordinary.

It always amazes me the concept that an individual can make a huge impact in their lifetime. It demonstrates the power that is within each of us. I'm not just talking about the likes of Gandhi, Bill Gates, Mother Theresa, Genghis Khan, etc and I'm especially not talking about celebrities though they sometimes do. 

Though their names don't always go down in history I'm talking about everyday folk, often unsung heroes, that we occasionally get to hear of. They exemplify the life less ordinary and yet in many ways what they do is ordinary and within all of us. Maybe it is how they do it, why they do it, but most notably is the effect they put it to.

Matt Harding is an example of this, and if you've not already visited his site then I implore you to www.wherethehellismatt.com . Here is a regular guy, doing something that any of us could of, but look at the effect that he has put a chance opportunity to. His 2008 video has been viewed over 43 million times! Put aside the how or the why and just look at the positive comments on his YouTube videos and Facebook page. His life is definitely less ordinary, and many people are appreciative of it.

Two sides to every story

Yep, there is perhaps a bigger consideration, and again, probably a by no means less common one. Perhaps indeed the one that differentiates the life less ordinary and the mid-life crisis. What if those around me do not share my ideals???

Scenario 1: A couple, probably young and without kids, decide to quit their jobs, sell their house, and set off a round the world for a life less ordinary. They are viewed as wild, crazy, amazing, adventurous, they have many well wishers and people are in awe of their bravery.

Scenario 2: A family man, who just so happens to be about 40, has the same desires only this time it is not shared by his family. He is viewed as having a mid-life crisis. He is no different from the young man from the first scenario but the reaction is far from similar. Even though he has diluted the big dream down to just wanting some ad-hoc travel, to do some zany things, to see and experience the world in small opportunistic doses the reception is still an adverse one.

"Are you f*cking mental?!?"

Ok, so it's not quite what my wife would say, she's far more eloquent than that, but I can already see it's going to be written right across her face. So far she's been subtly supportive and tried to understand and empathise with my mid-life .... re-evaluation. She's tolerated the introduction of ukuleles to the household, the poor substitute for my youthful dreams of being Slash. She's ignored the appearance of the canoe in the back garden. She's watched me disappear each evening in my quest to be 'fitter@40'. She didn't even bat an eye at me renewing my fishing licence that I bought last year and never used. But this time, I may just be stepping over a line.

Any mental argument that I've already talked myself through will be back with a vengeance and with re-enforcements. Even smaller considerations that I'm happy to gloss over, or do not consider an issue will be presented. I'm already aware that we are most likely not going to be singing from the same song sheet.

I recently spent much time convincing my wife to give camping a try. This is something I spent many happy holidays doing as a child but which is something she has only had two very negative experiences of. She finally has agreed to give it a try but I suspect this more an act of tolerance rather than a change of opinion.

Yep, I am now eluding to a bigger proposal, a change of lifestyle, and furthermore, her defensive stance will not be unjustified. You see the decisions that've been to date and resulting in this current life are not sole decisions. As a couple we decided to get married, buy a house, start a family. As a partner I decided to start a business. These are all things I opted into and effectively shook hands on. Is it unreasonable for me to start changing the agreements? How would I feel if the tables were turned?

Any attempt to explain or justify my thoughts will be met with short shrift. The first thing any persons does in an argument is to dig their (high) heels in at which point it becomes an almost impossible mission. No, if I want things to change then I am going to have sell the idea to my family and my biggest chance it prove that it can be done without sacrificing or negatively impacting anything we currently have.

Knowing one's limitations

I'm not particularly talking about mental, physical or emotional limitations, I guess I mean the ties that bind us. If I take a quick look in the mirror I see a dad, a husband, a business partner, home owner, all of the above and more.

These roles all have responsibilities and it is these responsibilities that limit a lot of what I now can and cannot do. An important thing to remember is that I chose these, not just willingly but went out of my way to achieve. 

As a dad I want to be there for my children, help raise them, watch them grow, share as much time as I can with them. As a husband I want to be as much as a soul mate to my wife as she it to me, share our lives together and provide for the family. As a businessman I have made commitments to our clients and more importantly my business partner who is also my brother. As a home owner I have major financial obligations that must be met. This is truly a mixed bag but perhaps two of the most obvious limitations come down to time and money. Both and considerable challenges, not entirely impossible, just almost.

Although this is a personal journey, as I highlighted earlier, I would like my entire family to learn the life less ordinary. This however means that I have to consider their obligations and responsibilities. Just looking at the time constraint alone poses many challenges. My wife works and only has limited holidays. Due to this she is also unable to make all the school runs so I have to handle these.

The kids have school and their education is important as well as the social life it also provides them. We are constrained as to when they can and cannot have time off as well as needing to fulfil their homework obligations. There is also their hobbies and the after school clubs and activities to factor in. They should not in anyway have to suffer as a consequence of my choices.

In terms of the business I do have an ace up my sleeve. Being in IT means that I can pretty much work from anywhere I have a laptop and an internet connection and being self-employed affords me some flexibility in choosing when I do the bulk of my work.

The choice of being a home owner brings financial obligations, which is why both my wife and I have to work. The house is also in need of much work which my wife, as the home-maker, is understandably keen to progress. With this in mind the financial challenge is a major obstacle. If as I said at the outset the life less ordinary activities are to be in addition to, not instead of, my current lifestyle then it means the associated expenses will be in addition, unless of course I choose to start making sacrifices (not the children I might add).

Given the above, finances are perhaps the first obstacle to tackle. The kids do have a lot of time off in holidays across the year, and I do have a good degree of flexibility in when and where I work. My wife does not have as much holiday allowance as the kids but if she did not have to work then we could make use of these advantages. However, I am by no means the first to spot this type of opportunity. 


I frequently see adverts for cheap flights 'just £15 per person each way" and immediately I think of spontaneous trips away to foreign destinations. This is of course short lived when I try to book said flights for the family. As anyone else who has tried to book these will know these are for mid-week off-peak times which anyone who works or has family cannot make. Any parent who has ever tried to book a family holiday knows full well the price difference between holidays outside of school holidays and during school holidays. Yep the £15 per person suddenly becomes something more like £300 per person.


Time and money are without a doubt going to be big challenges, but perhaps not the biggest ....

Vitamin R

I once attended a conference where Professor Heinz Wolff was the guest speaker. In his speech he spoke for a while on an important human requirement, Vitamin R. The R was for risk. He talked about how risk was in our make up and that as countries veered more towards becoming nanny states ironically individuals would increasingly start to seek out risk.

Similarly, I watched a tv programme once that talked about thrill-seekers and once again they discussed how people from all walks of life seek out risk. The were many forms of risk taking such as crime, drugs, sex, gambling, extreme sports and the like. It seemed the choice of fix was largely down to economic circumstances.

I guess risk is not something I've been adverse to and is probably why I have 12 screws, 2 metal rods and a rib graft holding my spine together. I cannot deny that I have had my share of thrill-seeking in its various guises over the years but risk and parenthood or self-employment do not make good bedfellows. Maybe part of my quest for a life less ordinary is an attempt to fill the void left by my resignation from thrill-seeking.

This is not uncommon. Whilst there are without doubt high-risk activities, how many actually want risk? Thrills and risk do not necessarily go hand in hand. I mean how many people would do a bungee jump if they thought there was a good chance that the rope would break? How many would jump out of a plane if they weren't pretty convinced the parachute was going to open?

I guess we like the thrill the idea of risk takes, but don't actually want the consequences of the risk being realised. Hence the growth in off-the-shelf 'extreme' experiences. That's not to say there are not risks associated with these experiences, and there have been deaths, but how many of these businesses would be able to operate if the Health and Safety Executive or insurance companies considered them a disproportionately high risk.

So what's this got do with my journey. A point my friend and I concluded over a pint last night, several actually, was that a life less ordinary does not have to be 'extreme'. Less ordinary is just that, it's not the  usual or norm. This can be viewed on various levels. Firstly, and perhaps a good place to start, is with things that I wouldn't normally do or perhaps say yes to. Conquer this and maybe I'll aspire to the dizzy heights of doing things other people would not normally do.

Disclaimer: There are some things in life that people do not do for good reason e.g. kill people, sleep with a hooker and the likes. For obvious reasons I will try to avoid these.

Kicking the bucket list

Bucket lists. Is this what I need? I guess there is some similarity between the life less ordinary and a bucket list. The result of both is to look back on your death bed and think 'wow, I did a lot of fantastic things during my life' or maybe just have some great tales to tell the grand kids and the lads down the pub. 

The internet has allowed people to share their bucket lists and a number of books and magazine articles similarly publish lists of 'things you must do before you die'. A side effect of this is that it suggested ideas rather than prompting people to look at what THEY would really like to do. Writing this I can't help but keep thinking of 'swimming with dolphins', brain-washing in full effect.

My first issue I have with many bucket lists is the income levels required to complete them. Judging by many I've seen, the first item on my list should be 'make my millions' (or rob a bank) at which point the completing the rest of the list will become a whole lot easier. By publishing such lists they're effectively creating markets for experiences and we can't ignore the fact that everyone is after our hard earned cash these days. If there's a common desire amongst people then someone will have identified it as an income opportunity.

So for many bucket list items that were once symbolic of 'off the beaten track/life less ordinary' experiences have now become package holidays or off-the-shelf experience-in-a-box (or red letter) solutions. In doing so surely they have made less ordinary things ordinary!? Surely, this is robbing the experience of  it's very essence leaving you in the pub regaling your tale of glory only to have a friend interject with a 'yeah, I known a couple of mates that did that'.

The second key difference between a life less ordinary and a bucket list is that the bucket list has a deadline, quite literally as it happens. Deadlines are great, especially the whooshing sound they make as they whizz by, but that is part of the problem. Assuming my deadline is age 71 then I have thirty years to complete my list, plenty of time, now pass me a Pringle and we'll see what's on the tv. There lies the problem, we're back to doing our school homework at 10pm on a Sunday evening. Procrastination.

Yep, a life less ordinary is a way of life, not a check list. It's not about spreading the to-do list over my remaining time, it's about cramming as much fun into my life every year, month, week or day. Putting things off is how I got to this mid-life ... situation. No, what I need is not a bucket list but ideas. Ideas and self-discipline.

Simple disciplines practised daily

I think Jim Rohn might own that one.

Having determined a need to change my level of thinking, a need to say yes more, a need to consider reasons 'I should' do things as opposed to 'should not', how to go about it? I mean we're talking about a behavioural change, a change of habits, a change of spots! (Cue eating elephants and journey of a thousand miles quotes).

Changing habits and ingrained behaviour takes discipline, not something I've demonstrated much of in recent years unless Pringle eating is becoming an endurance sport. I mean let's face it that's why people go to fitness classes or have personal trainers. It's not that they don't want to get fit or lose weight. It's because they lack the discipline to DO what it takes, the others just walk on the treadmill for half an hour and tell all their friends how they go to the gym regularly but "just can't seem to shift the weight".

Which brings me on to my first challenge. I'm getting fat, I've being saying yes a lot to another beer on the sofa to wash down that other tube of Pringles I said yes to then popped and couldn't stop. Now we don't want any dramatic changes, I don't want to slip into crisis. So I'll probably still say yes to them but will try to say yes to the odd run in between.

Ok, so as a life less ordinary goes, saying yes to a 5km jog once or twice a week isn't exactly earth shattering (excluding the impact from my slightly over-weightedness). There is some logic there though. One, I need to boost my energy levels to fight off the general lethargy and two, I think I'll need some degree of fitness to do some less ordinary things.

Yes Man

I recently finished the book Yes Man by Danny Wallace. I enjoyed it. I have seen the film that was based upon the book but the link is tenuous and Hollywood didn't do it justice. It follows Danny's own experience when having slipped into a life not just ordinary but positively dull, he takes the advice of a man on a bus to 'say yes more'. The premise, which I tend to agree with, is that things only really happen in life when we say yes. No excludes us. No removes opportunities. No closes doors. No doesn't get us drunk, or laid for that matter.

I can't help but think he has a point which indeed he goes on to demonstrate. Opportunities to live a life less ordinary do present themselves, but it's just all to easy to dismiss them. Let's face it, easy is nice and a whole lot less effort. It's a bit like those invites that you agree to months in advance and as the day draws nearer you start questioning why you ever agreed and how much easier it would  be to just stay in and watch tv. 

When the night arrives you haul your carcass up out of the sofa, the lazier side of you having now realised that going may actually be easier than trying to worm your way out of it and guess what? Yep, you have a great time and you're glad you went! (Okay this doesn't have a 100% success record but you get the point). So I guess the yes idea is a discipline to counter our natural lazy tendency to think of reasons why we shouldn't do something when we should be thinking about all of the reasons why we should do something.

So where am I going with these inane ramblings. Well, firstly I think I need to say yes more, and not just to beer and sex.  Secondly, when I do have a random thought to do something less ordinary (more interesting) then I need to start telling myself all of the reasons why I SHOULD do it.

Problems cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them.

At least that's what Albert Einstein said, but what did he know.

The point is I am a product of my own decisions. Everything that I am and everything about my life is as a result of my decisions and choices in life. Ergo, if I'm not currently leading the life less ordinary that I so desire then it's down to my past decision making and I need to change my 'level of thinking' that created my current situation.

This all sounds quite severe. Could this be where some people slip into the mid-life crisis category. I mean surely change doesn't have to mean a complete revamp of one's life values? Maybe the level of thinking just needs tweaking. The point is, if I keep doing the same things I'll keep getting the same results so something's got to give.

Be - Do - Have

Ok, so this one isn't mine but it's perfectly valid. In life we sometimes look at successful people and wish we were in a similar position. By successful, I don't necessarily mean rich or famous, just people who are at the top of their game in life and are exactly where they want to be.

We sometimes wish to have the things they have, do the things they do, and to a point be the type of person that they are. So the theory dictates, that this is why we do not. Truth is, to achieve this we must first BE the person we want to be, and DO the things that person would do, and only then can we HAVE what that person would have. To do otherwise would be putting the cart before the horse.

So if I want to HAVE a life less ordinary, I have to DO less ordinary things by first BEING the type of person who, as I have a quite ordinary life, is different to me.

Is the glass half empty or half full?

I had a discussion with a very good friend of mine in the pub about this. We both have similar incomes, are married, have kids, nice homes and in many ways our lives are similar. However, where as he fills totally fulfilled I do not. I must stress as I did with he that this in no way means that I do not love my family or life any less. I believe my family mean every bit as much to me as his does to him and in that respect are wholly equal.

I've had similar discussions with other friends and sometimes, strangely, it seems a bone of contention. Some, particularly wives, seem outraged that I should possibly want more than I have, more than they have (or perhaps just dislike me for prompting their husbands to consider the question). Yet at the same time I feel, probably unjustifiably, they're often trying to convince themselves that what they have is enough and that agreeing or empathising with me would be acknowledging a lack of fulfilment. 

The truth is I think neither is true. As we're talking about a pub conversation let's put it into a pub context. Let's suppose that two men both order half a pint of beer. One person has his served in a half pint glass which is full, the other has a pint glass that is half empty/full (not going to get into that one). Both have equal quantities of beer, but one has the capacity for more and hence has a feeling that there is room for more.

To be honest I was quite pleased with my analogy but this seemed to anger some even more. How dare I suggest that my glass was larger than theirs, blah, blah, rant! Guess there's no pleasing some people ....

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

If you're not familiar with this then do Google it. I won't go into detail or any arguments about its validity other than I think he had something there. The basic premise is that there is a hierarchy to humans needs both physically and emotionally, and that there is an order to the need we feel to fulfil them. At the bottom of the pyramid is the most basic human physiological needs like food, drink, sleep etc then safety needs, the need to belong, the need for self-esteem and at the top self-actualisation.

So as I approach mid-life I've managed to get a lot of the basic needs covered and having fulfilled these given myself a swift pat on the back. So what next?  Perhaps like others at this stage I start to feel a void as the need to fulfil the next 'level' becomes apparent. Think of it as not feeling the need for dessert until you've had your main course. It's only through the fulfilment of lower needs that I start to sense the lack of fulfilment of those higher up the chain.

So is this also part of the middle life crisis? Have I had my head down for so long at the grindstone that I am only just beginning to raise my eyes up and look to the horizon? Only now that I've started putting the 'needs' to bed that I start looking the to the 'likes' or the 'wants'? Is it only now that I start questioning  whether my glass is half full?

A Life Less Ordinary

So now that my nemesis (time that is, not some baddie wearing pants over his trousers and a mask) has revealed itself to me, how to do battle with this foe?

Most of my thirties had been about being sensible (by my reckoning at least), starting a family, buying a house, starting a business, stopping man sports like crashing motorcycles at race tracks and aspiring to be Bruce Lee, etc. However, as I approached my forties, okay I guess there were some warning signs, I started to desire something else. Not different or instead of, but as well as. Sensible is nice, safe, secure, necessary but I felt an innate desire for what can best be described as 'a life less ordinary'. Okay so nothing ground breaking there, family man hits forty and wants more from life.

I've never been one to seek fame, fortune or wealth beyond my wildest dreams, not that I'm saying no if you're offering. I whole-heartedly believe life is about experiences, and the best are those involving or shared with other people. In my twenties I travelled Europe in a 1972 VW camper. It was great, I just followed my nose until the money ran out some months later. If I liked where I was I stayed a while, other days I'd wake up take out the map and just head some where new.

I travelled through Belgium, Holland, Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, Italy, France, Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar. Not knowing where to start I just hit all of the traditional tourist traps staying in recommended camp sites and following guide books. It was so text book that it wasn't at all uncommon to see other VW campers time and again all touring Europe like sheep and this isn't unique to travelling. I've seen many people go through life like it's a school project and they're just ticking off the boxes of things they believe, or society leads them to believe, they should do. Often without understanding the motive or consequence.

I used to have a friend just like this. It were as though life were a race to him and he was trying to get through it and tick all the boxes as quickly as possible. He finished school, went through college, straight into starting his career, found a girl got married and bought a house, started a family and this was just by the time he started his twenties. I felt if he'd have grown old and died by thirty he'd have declared himself the winner. It's cliché but I believe life is a journey and the key is to make it go as slowly as possible whilst cramming as many happy experiences in as possible.

It was only towards the end of my trip around Europe as the money started getting low that I started to go off the beaten track and really feel I was travelling, living even.  Free camping in some of the most amazing scenic spots, showering on the beach in the morning before the beach crowds arrived, filling up water and grabbing cheap meals where I could. Looking back I have very little recollection of the tourist attractions but yet I have the fondest memories of the people I met along the way and the times, often brief, that we shared.

Brett the amazing Kiwi I spent many a drunken evening with at the running the bulls in Pamplona, hitch hiking with a bunch of South Africans, being bought beers by a Guardia Civil in a shady bar before he took us to a great free camping spot. Hanging out with a bunch of surfers in Lagos. The local people at the various stop off's who were just so friendly. Just a few of the many many highlights when I look back. Perhaps the biggest irony is that it costs me more to sit in the rat race ticking over than it did to travel and have one of the best times of my life.

But we make choices in life, not bad but they have consequences or trade off's if you prefer. Some use the word sacrifice and refer to it as giving things up, but when you sacrifice you give something up for something better. Let's face it, nobody would make a sacrifice if they didn't think for one moment that they would be better off for it.

I love my family dearly and would not change my choices for the world but with the clock ticking, it presents a challenge. How can I live a life less ordinary without sacrificing or diminishing what I have? Please don't think this selfish either as, perhaps more importantly, I want to show my children how to live a life less ordinary so they can learn how to get the best from their lives as they get older. I wonder how many people are in the rat race just because that's what their parents did and they knew no different?

A Brief History of Time

Ok, so in 2011 I turned forty and, apart from a few months of hard physical training to prove to myself, and others, that forty did not mean I was 'over the hill', the reaching of this milestone was pretty painless and uneventful. No biblical plagues, nothing fell off my body, the skies didn't fall in. So what's the fuss all about being forty??

However, when I hit forty one something clicked. Not physically I might add, I wasn't suddenly stuck down by an accelerated ageing process. I was now a 'forty something', which strangely felt a lot worse than one year more than forty. In fact, despite being closer to forty it now felt like I was more on my way to fifty and hell everyone knows you're as good as dead after that!

Perhaps this sounds a little extreme, but a few years ago my dad started drawing up our family tree and has made great progress tracing the lineage back hundreds of years. It made fascinating reading, until I started to notice something, something disturbing. It caught my eye and I soon started studying the tree more closely flicking from one record to the next and there it was in front of me in black and white. No male in my line has ever lived past  the age of seventy one! My granddad died at sixty five of a heart attack and my own dad has already had heart surgery. The signs were not looking good.

Working with figures day in day out it didn't take my subconscious long to work out that based on this new found knowledge I had just thirty years left in me. At best. It felt like the whistle had just blown at half time of the big game.  Heck, I was past half way and that was the half with fresh legs, the best health.

So, mentally I'm now back in the changing room and its time to review how the first half of the game had panned out. Truth is I'm not too sure, I haven't been paying too much attention, a bit like the fat kid in school you used to stick in goal who would spend all his time leaning against the goal post picking his nose until a ball whistled past his ear followed by the torrent of abuse from his team mates. Trying to assess the situation I can't help but think of the lyrics of the Talking Heads song 'Once In A Lifetime' when it poses a similar quandary:

"And You May Find Yourself In A Beautiful House, With A Beautiful Wife

And You May Ask Yourself - Well...How Did I Get Here?"

To which the answer appears to be "letting the days go by" and I guess that about sums it up. I've never really been one for direction in my life, I've just ambled my way through as if sitting in an old inflatable car tyre meandering down a river letting the current take me where it wishes.

So is this going to be another blog detailing a man's mid-life crisis. I hope not. For starters I'm not convinced about the whole mid-life crisis thing. Propaganda I tell you! Sure there are definite symptoms but crisis? Oddly, I think it doesn't start to make sense until you get there yourself. It's not about desperate attempts to regain your youth. It's about something entirely more daunting.

Growing up you have your whole life ahead of you, the world is indeed your oyster and with that in mind you push it to one-side whilst you get on with important stuff like drinking until you vomit and trying to put your hands in girls bras. What's the hurry, you've got years ahead of you right? That is until twenty years later (not that I am suggesting I spent twenty years drinking until I vomited and putting my hands in girls bras) you find yourself where I now am, and the realisation that you're running out of time and health to do all of those things that you once aspired to.

Whatever happened to the plans to run a marathon, see the world, learn guitar, surf/dive the Great Barrier Reef, canoe the Ardeche, trek the Amazon, blah, blah. What about that sports car your couldn't afford when you were a young man and then couldn't afford when you became a father, then was far too impractical when the family grew, and has now reached classic status and commands a sale price that once again you can't afford. 

As I say, the cliche symptoms are not about regaining your youth, it's about trying to do all those things that you never quite got around to in your youth and now consider you  may not, ever.

I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP!

Perhaps that's not so odd but what you do start to do is to form an opinion on what you DON'T want to be when you grow up...