A Year in Provence ... Part 2

So having rekindled my love affair with 'la bonne vie', what to do about it? Now I'm not naive, I know the dream often does not meet the reality. So let's start with what I did not like about my trip. 

Firstly, mosquitoes. I've always been some what of an attraction for these critters. Whilst my wife remained bite free, I was bitten to shreds and am still scratching myself raw. Secondly, the bloody cockerels waking me up at 05:30, and then virtually 'snoozing' to repeat their bird song every ten minutes. Now I think I was getting used to this as I seemed to notice it less and wake up later as the week went on. 

Finally, the sun. Yes the very thing that makes it so attractive. By 09:00 it was already on its way to 30. On such a short holiday you feel compelled to make hay, as they say, whilst the sun shines but it was far too hot some days and made for uncomfortable nights sleeping. Given more than a week I guess I would acclimatise more but at the same time would have to adopt a more European approach to the midday sun and escape it. 

From an economic point of view the pound is recovering, French property prices have been falling whilst French property taxes have been rising. In the past, UK ex-pats have often set up businesses to serve other ex-pats but with an increasing number of ex-pats returning to the UK this is hitting them. The other favourite is having holiday properties to let but there is already an abundance of these.

With all of the volatility in the EU at the moment the Euro has suffered and could further suffer if countries like Greece and Spain decline further. Ex-pat pensioners have already suffered with currency fluctuations. If the UK withdrew from the Euro zone then working and living in France would become even harder.

Divorce rates for couples who emigrate to France are high, chances of employment for non-French speaking persons are low. The French education system does not go out of its way to accommodate non-French speaking children often setting them back a year to compensate and not providing further help. Private schooling is better but only add to the cost of living.

So where does this leave my French dream? Well from a schooling point alone it puts it on hold until the kids finish school by which time I will be nearing retirement but I do not want to wait that long which brings us back to compromise. Being a home worker I can work from home, wherever that may be, as long as I have a decent internet connection. With kids being at school they have six weeks summer holiday each year. So I like the idea of letting a property for one month each year abroad. Maybe Provence one year, Tuscany another, Murcia the next, who knows.

But there remains an obstacle. Finance. My wife currently still needs to work and cannot get that much time off. So either she needs a job or business that allows her to work remotely or I need to earn enough for her not to work! Hmmmm......????

Knowing your place

Well, we have managed to ship the kids off to the grandparents for the night. Last time this happened was on a Thursday which happens to be the night my wife does Body Pump and Body Combat. So faced with choosing between a few fours or torturous exercise or a romantic night out of course I lost out.

Tonight is a Wednesday so I do not have that to contend with. I therefore suggested doing something special like a trip into Windsor or London or maybe a drive down to the coast for fish and chips on the beach whilst watching the sunset. However, the sun is shining and my wife wants to sit in the sun not a car or train. Her alternative suggestion was to eat in the beer garden of the local Beefeater.

Of course, I tried to counter this with the offer of some other quality local restaurants but each was met with "Can we eat outside?". The answer in most cases being no. So I'm guessing the priorities so far must be something along the lines of:

1. Kids
2. Body Combat/Body Pump
3. Sunshine
4. Quality romantic time with me.

Gratitude List

I remember hearing someone once say how everyday when they woke up they wrote a list if all of the things that they were grateful for in their life. This is a lovely idea, too often the mid life ... re-evaluation ... focuses on what is missing from our lives without giving enough consideration as to what we already have.

Compromised or Compromise?

Uni-on [noun]

1. the act of uniting two or more things.
2. the state of being united.
3. a number of persons joined or associated together for some common purpose

Want, Need, Would like

One of my annoyances in life is hearing what people want. Not because I have a problem with what they want. I have a problem with their use of the word want. All too commonly, what they mean is 'would like' and there in lies the problem. If you 'need' something then it is a necessity. If you 'want' something then it is desired. If you 'would like' something then all you are doing is expressing a desire in a non-committal manner. 

It reminds of a story, I cannot remember the exact details but as with all good urban legends I remember the punchline. The story is of a young man who 'wants', he seeks the advice of a mentor who 'has' and the young man repeatedly keeps asking 'how'. Finally, the mentor leads him into the sea and holds the young mans head underwater. At first the young man is confused, then after a few seconds he tries to lift his head out of the water. The mentor resists and continues to hold the young mans head underwater. Getting more desperate the young tries to force his head up but to no avail. Eventually as he is running out of breath he starts to flail and lash out wildly at the mentor until eventually the mentor yields and the young man is able to come up for air. Confused and angry he asks the mentor why he was trying to drown him. The mentor replies along the lines of "only when you want something as much as you wanted to breathe just then, will you find a way and do what needs to done to achieve it'. Or something like that ...

When people tell me that they 'want' something in life I always want to ask them what they are doing about it. What is there plan? What steps are they taking towards achieving it? There is the crux of my frustration. The answer most commonly eludes to 'nothing'. What they mean is 'would like' or put another way, they'd take it if someone handed it to them on a plate. When someone 'would like' something it leans more towards desire but without the compulsion to get off one's arse and do something about it. 

Being honest about what one needs, wants and would like leads to contentment. I know that if I really needed or wanted something then I'd be doing something about it. If it's just something I would like then it's probably not all that important to me.

Because you're worth it!

Or are you????

The media constantly seem to be telling us that we deserve more. Better sex, more money, fantastic holidays, nice cars, you name it. Of course in most cases it's because they want to sell us something. Almost instinctively we answer this question 'yes' because that's what we'd all like to believe and of course the marketeers know this.

Perhaps before answering this question we should ask ourselves the question, why? Why do we deserve more? What have we done that warrants all of these things? A common term used with regard to the current generation is that of entitlement. It's is the older generations that raise this criticism because it seems they were brought up with an entirely different ethos. They were brought up under the belief that 'you reap what you sow' or put more commonly, 'you get what you deserve' which in short translates to 'you've currently got what you currently deserve and if you deserved more you'd have it'.

Of course this doesn't sit well with our ideals and maybe it's not something we want to acknowledge but in 9 out of 10 cases it's probably spot on. It seems that somewhere along the lines we've been sold a dummy. Somewhere along the lines someone started to convince us that just doing the ordinary day to day things (working hard, raising a family, etc) that our elders did just to get by suddenly entitles us to 'more' than they ever got.  Where is the justification?

When children leave home it seems that they want to walk straight into what they've just walked out of. Perhaps not a house but the 'luxuries' with in it (nice furniture, tv's, computers, games consoles, media players, etc, etc). The parents home represented the rewards of years of work and effort. How can it be conceivable that someone starting out should have anywhere near the same?

I'm not just referring to material things either. It is already acknowledged that the standard of living or quality of life has been increasing with each generation. Perhaps we should be content with this fact and if we desire more, then maybe we should get off our arses and do something to deserve it.

Have your cake and eat it

So, ... what is the point of cake if you can't eat it? How do I live the life less ordinary without disrupting the status quo, without upsetting those I love and care about, without damaging what I already have? Why in so many cases does a mid life crisis seem to suggest me doing away what I already have? Why can it it not simply be a modification or an enhancement of what I already have? Why can I not have my cake and eat it?

I decided to go out on a limb last weekend and breach the subject of mid life ... reviews .. with my wife. I could see a look of concern in her eyes, but fortunately I also saw a glimmer of understanding. I talked for a while about though being happy with what we have, also feeling unfulfilled and my desire to do 'more' even though I'm not quite sure exactly what that is yet. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I feel as long as I am reasonable in my decision making then so will she in her understanding.

Two sides to every story

Yep, there is perhaps a bigger consideration, and again, probably a by no means less common one. Perhaps indeed the one that differentiates the life less ordinary and the mid-life crisis. What if those around me do not share my ideals???

Scenario 1: A couple, probably young and without kids, decide to quit their jobs, sell their house, and set off a round the world for a life less ordinary. They are viewed as wild, crazy, amazing, adventurous, they have many well wishers and people are in awe of their bravery.

Scenario 2: A family man, who just so happens to be about 40, has the same desires only this time it is not shared by his family. He is viewed as having a mid-life crisis. He is no different from the young man from the first scenario but the reaction is far from similar. Even though he has diluted the big dream down to just wanting some ad-hoc travel, to do some zany things, to see and experience the world in small opportunistic doses the reception is still an adverse one.

"Are you f*cking mental?!?"

Ok, so it's not quite what my wife would say, she's far more eloquent than that, but I can already see it's going to be written right across her face. So far she's been subtly supportive and tried to understand and empathise with my mid-life .... re-evaluation. She's tolerated the introduction of ukuleles to the household, the poor substitute for my youthful dreams of being Slash. She's ignored the appearance of the canoe in the back garden. She's watched me disappear each evening in my quest to be 'fitter@40'. She didn't even bat an eye at me renewing my fishing licence that I bought last year and never used. But this time, I may just be stepping over a line.

Any mental argument that I've already talked myself through will be back with a vengeance and with re-enforcements. Even smaller considerations that I'm happy to gloss over, or do not consider an issue will be presented. I'm already aware that we are most likely not going to be singing from the same song sheet.

I recently spent much time convincing my wife to give camping a try. This is something I spent many happy holidays doing as a child but which is something she has only had two very negative experiences of. She finally has agreed to give it a try but I suspect this more an act of tolerance rather than a change of opinion.

Yep, I am now eluding to a bigger proposal, a change of lifestyle, and furthermore, her defensive stance will not be unjustified. You see the decisions that've been to date and resulting in this current life are not sole decisions. As a couple we decided to get married, buy a house, start a family. As a partner I decided to start a business. These are all things I opted into and effectively shook hands on. Is it unreasonable for me to start changing the agreements? How would I feel if the tables were turned?

Any attempt to explain or justify my thoughts will be met with short shrift. The first thing any persons does in an argument is to dig their (high) heels in at which point it becomes an almost impossible mission. No, if I want things to change then I am going to have sell the idea to my family and my biggest chance it prove that it can be done without sacrificing or negatively impacting anything we currently have.

Simple disciplines practised daily

I think Jim Rohn might own that one.

Having determined a need to change my level of thinking, a need to say yes more, a need to consider reasons 'I should' do things as opposed to 'should not', how to go about it? I mean we're talking about a behavioural change, a change of habits, a change of spots! (Cue eating elephants and journey of a thousand miles quotes).

Changing habits and ingrained behaviour takes discipline, not something I've demonstrated much of in recent years unless Pringle eating is becoming an endurance sport. I mean let's face it that's why people go to fitness classes or have personal trainers. It's not that they don't want to get fit or lose weight. It's because they lack the discipline to DO what it takes, the others just walk on the treadmill for half an hour and tell all their friends how they go to the gym regularly but "just can't seem to shift the weight".

Which brings me on to my first challenge. I'm getting fat, I've being saying yes a lot to another beer on the sofa to wash down that other tube of Pringles I said yes to then popped and couldn't stop. Now we don't want any dramatic changes, I don't want to slip into crisis. So I'll probably still say yes to them but will try to say yes to the odd run in between.

Ok, so as a life less ordinary goes, saying yes to a 5km jog once or twice a week isn't exactly earth shattering (excluding the impact from my slightly over-weightedness). There is some logic there though. One, I need to boost my energy levels to fight off the general lethargy and two, I think I'll need some degree of fitness to do some less ordinary things.

Yes Man

I recently finished the book Yes Man by Danny Wallace. I enjoyed it. I have seen the film that was based upon the book but the link is tenuous and Hollywood didn't do it justice. It follows Danny's own experience when having slipped into a life not just ordinary but positively dull, he takes the advice of a man on a bus to 'say yes more'. The premise, which I tend to agree with, is that things only really happen in life when we say yes. No excludes us. No removes opportunities. No closes doors. No doesn't get us drunk, or laid for that matter.

I can't help but think he has a point which indeed he goes on to demonstrate. Opportunities to live a life less ordinary do present themselves, but it's just all to easy to dismiss them. Let's face it, easy is nice and a whole lot less effort. It's a bit like those invites that you agree to months in advance and as the day draws nearer you start questioning why you ever agreed and how much easier it would  be to just stay in and watch tv. 

When the night arrives you haul your carcass up out of the sofa, the lazier side of you having now realised that going may actually be easier than trying to worm your way out of it and guess what? Yep, you have a great time and you're glad you went! (Okay this doesn't have a 100% success record but you get the point). So I guess the yes idea is a discipline to counter our natural lazy tendency to think of reasons why we shouldn't do something when we should be thinking about all of the reasons why we should do something.

So where am I going with these inane ramblings. Well, firstly I think I need to say yes more, and not just to beer and sex.  Secondly, when I do have a random thought to do something less ordinary (more interesting) then I need to start telling myself all of the reasons why I SHOULD do it.