The last word

It has to be said, some of the best conversations and some of the best ideas are the ones at the end of an evening on the drink. lol

Knowing your place

Well, we have managed to ship the kids off to the grandparents for the night. Last time this happened was on a Thursday which happens to be the night my wife does Body Pump and Body Combat. So faced with choosing between a few fours or torturous exercise or a romantic night out of course I lost out.

Tonight is a Wednesday so I do not have that to contend with. I therefore suggested doing something special like a trip into Windsor or London or maybe a drive down to the coast for fish and chips on the beach whilst watching the sunset. However, the sun is shining and my wife wants to sit in the sun not a car or train. Her alternative suggestion was to eat in the beer garden of the local Beefeater.

Of course, I tried to counter this with the offer of some other quality local restaurants but each was met with "Can we eat outside?". The answer in most cases being no. So I'm guessing the priorities so far must be something along the lines of:

1. Kids
2. Body Combat/Body Pump
3. Sunshine
4. Quality romantic time with me.

Size Matters

I think an important gauge in a relationship is the size of the things that annoy you or cause arguments. My wife is lazy very efficient/economical. Like Lewis Hamilton, if she can shave of a few seconds here and there through out the day she will. For example, we recently installed fitted wardrobes in our bedroom that have sliding doors. The doors alone cost around £300. My wife saves time by constantly leaving the doors open. Had I factored this in then as well as saving time we could have saved £300.

Another example is her keys, again she saves time by placing them at the first convenient place upon entry to our home. The place varies subject to what is most convenient at that particular moment. This does however seem to cause an issue the next day when she is late for work and cannot find them consequently spending five minutes running around the house cursing,  frantically looking for them.

Similarly, our kitchen has limited cupboard space. The best way around this limitation is to stack/organise items within the cupboard. My wife found this cost her valuable seconds and has found it far more efficient to grab an item and then when replacing it put it to the front of the cupboard and push everything else back. The challenge is further compounded by the fact that when doing the weekly shopping my wife purchases pretty much the same things each week saving valuable time by not checking what we already have. (It's not been unheard of to find four large boxes of All Bran taking up half a shelf). However, this seems to cost me time due to the fact that every time I open a cupboard, any cupboard, several items fall out and I then struggle to fit them back in the cupboard.

Of course my wife is not really lazy. She has a part-time job, looks after our kids, does the housework, etc, etc. So I guess my point is that if little things like these are my biggest gripes then I guess we're doing ok.

Paranoid Android

This morning was my eldest daughters leaving assembly at infant school as come September she'll be moving up to Junior school. It was an emotional event for many of the parents and staff made more so by the fact two key members of staff were leaving. During these reception years the kids have formed many friendships and as they move schools some will go to different schools, many will go to different classes, and yet more friendships will be made. This mornings proceedings kick off with an announcement that angers me every time I hear it: 

"Some parents have requested that photos not be taken of their children so please only take photos of your own children. Similarly please do not upload any such photos on to Facebook as it then becomes a Child Protection issue." 

For f*cks sake! The kids are packed in and the only way you're going to be able to isolate your child in a photo is to fit a telephoto lens and zoom in so only their face fills the picture and what's the point of that. It hardly captures the occasion. Now first off I do not blame the head teacher for making the announcement, and secondly I appreciate that paedophiles are the scum of the Earth but really?! 

This is paranoia to the extreme. I mean sure I wouldn't want someone taking a picture of my kids but if they're taking a picture of theirs and mine are standing next to them or in the background then so what. If that's a problem, what's with selling class photos? 

Just because these parents can't seem to look at their own kids without viewing them in a sexual light doesn't mean anyone else in the room does and if you're that f*cking paranoid then take them out of the assembly to protect them and let everyone else get on with capturing a key event in their kids childhood. If we're not careful we're going to end up with a generation that only has close up facial photographs of their school years. 

Rant over.

Billy Nomates

Fed up with living in my box, an unsuccessful day at work, and my unsuccessful attempt to convince my wife by text that I was Mr Grey,  I needed to get out of the house last night. I'd told myself earlier in the day that I would go for a run. Middle age spread has been setting in a bit of late as my metabolism, that had once allowed me to scoff at dieters and exercisers, seemed to have gone into early retirement (probably about the only part of me that will ever experience early retirement) and was now just leaving an advertising hoarding for Pirelli. 


The weather was having one of it's 'special' days. It was twenty degrees, the sun was shining, the rain torrential, and the hail stones were the size of M&M's. Yes, it's British summertime at it's finest. Given all that, my motivation to run was on par with wanting to take a shower in Auschwitz. I was feeling less than inspired and started to toy with a question that has existed since time began. Exercise or pint?

There was a definite lean towards pint and I had pretty much concluded that this was the decisive action to be taken. Prepped to leave it suddenly dawned on me. It was quiz night. Bollocks! This meant the pub would be packed with over enthusiastic semi-retired/professional quiz teams who arrive early for their weekly pre-quiz treat of a meal leaving not a spare seat in the house. Furthermore once the quiz started the pub would be echoing with the voice of the quiz master booming over the tannoy. This is of course made worse by the fact the quiz master, a lad far too young to be having such a task in his social diary, falls under the spell of the microphone and starts thinking he's funny. He's not.

With this mind I sadly and slowly start to dig out my running gear and haul my ass and beer gut out of the door. Fortunately, the rain has now stopped and I start my runny, joggy, walky thing. I decide 5km will be adequate for a night I just don't want to run (which these days is most of them). It's tough and I can't quite work out whether I'm struggling mentally or physically, probably both. Every step of the way I just want to stop.

Whilst plodding on I wonder what happened to the me from last year, the me that ran 10km three times a week in under 45 minutes and that was on the days I wasn't doing weights. Yep, there was a big step between 40 and 41. I keep going knowing that if I stop I won't get started again and that having now run half the distance walking back in the rapidly cooling air was equally unattractive. Eventually I get home.

"Good run?", my wife asks.
"No!", I reply trudging up the stairs to the shower.

Standing in the shower I conclude that quiz night or not I've earned a pint. An earlier Facebook post fishing for pub company had failed and so I wandered up there on my own. On arrival I was pleased to see one bar stool left and stuck myself on it. The barmaid tried her best to be social but it was quiz night and she was busy.

So there I sat, Billy Nomates, at the bar supping at my glass. Of course I needed something to do other than gaze into mid air do I pulled out my mobile, logged on to the free wi-fi and browsed to BBC News. There you have it, I was a modern interpretation of the old guy sat in the pub reading the newspaper and you know what, it wasn't so bad. Head tucked down reading my phone everyone just left me to it and it was in many ways quite meditative. My own little bubble, mentally answering the quiz questions (which is always easier when you're not actually playing), reading the news, and supping my pint. I realise now that when you see these old men sat on their own in the pub, maybe they came there to be alone, together.

Onward Christian soldiers

My wife, like many others, has fallen for the "mommy porn" 50 Shades of Grey trilogy and like many husbands and boyfriends there have been positive side effects. For example, on her first night of reading I had been down the pub with friends. Now under normal circumstances when I creep in from the pub late, with all of the subtleness of a hippopotamus ninja,s he would always be asleep, or at least pretending to be asleep, but no not that night ;o)

But here we are once again with a sense of frustration. One friend was moaning on Facebook how despite his wife reading 50 shades he was yet to reap him any rewards. One female friend responded to the thread that "if you want your wife to act a bit more like Ana, try acting a bit more like Mr Grey". 

Now, despite already benefiting from positive side effects, this sounded like good advice coming straight from the horses mouth. So with this idea in mind I send my wife a text, nothing brash (Mr Grey is too sophisticated for that). Far from a hot lustful reply the response I get was along the lines of  "Lol, so anyway ...".

There you go, dismissed in an instant. It's all very well you ladies rattling on about what you want from us men but first you're going to have to learn to recognise it when your presented with it!

Time bomb

I've never given much thought to the age difference between my wife and I other than the fact that her being 8.5 year younger is a bonus. However, yesterday I decided to do a rare bit of retirement planning and some shocking realities dawned on me.

My life expectancy is supposedly 87 whereas hers is 90. This means she will outlive me by almost 12 years. My state retirement age is 67, hers is 68. This means that I will supposedly retire almost 10 years before her. The chance of me retiring early at 55 (a similar age to when my parents retired) is unlikely as both my children would still be in university at that time. In fact, my youngest would not leave university until I am almost 60.

Of course, this doesn't mean I'm about to go trade my wife for an older model but it leads me to draw a number of conclusions:

• If I wish to spend my retirement with my wife, we must have sufficient funds for her to retire at least 10 years early. 
• If I wish to retire early then this just magnifies the issue.
• If I do not have sufficient funds for both of us to retire early ( me by 7 - 12 years, her by 17 - 22 years !!) then I am unlikely to ever retire early.
• If I am unlikely to retire early, then a lot of things we planned to do in retirement we may not achieve due to my age at that time.
• The only way to mitigate these issues is to;
• a) Put aside a hell of a lot more money
• b) Try and maintain physical and mental health for as long as possible.

Of course even then it's not that straight-forward. To put aside more money we must either work more or spend less. This will have negative effects on our lives now. Maintaining health will not be an easy option either. Both my Dad and Grandad suffered heart problems and on top of this, when I broke my back the doctor warned me I am likely to suffer arthritis of the spine in later life.

#depressed

WTF! I'm Stiffler!!

Ok, so hopefully I'm not that bad but I could certainly empathise with him in American Reunion. Looking back it wasn't so much the high school years that give me the fondest memories but the ten years that followed them. I had the best friendships and the best times. It's perhaps not then strange that I was the last one to to buy a property, the last one to get married, and the last one to start a family. 

Perhaps one of the hardest things is the way friends behaviour changed towards me. One day I'm the life and soul of the party, the guy people have the best times with. Then, without me changing, they started to move on and in some ways I got left behind or became surplus to requirement. Before long I realised I was the only one at the party. Like Stiffler, deep down I didn't want the party to end but as the saying goes 'all good things come to an end'. 

Gradually as friends got married and started families I saw less and less of them. As they acquired more responsibilities they became more sensible, and rightly so. In the meantime I was living life by one of my own ethics which was 'as long as I don't have a mortgage I'm not gonna take any sh!t from anyone'. Another movie quote that strikes a chord on this note is from Horrible Bosses:

"Quick story, my grandmother came to this country with twenty dollars in her pocket. She worked hard her whole life and never took sh!t from anyone. When she died, she had turned that twenty dollars into two thousand dollars. That sucks! You know why she didn't succeed? Because she didn't take sh!t from anyone. The key to success, and they will not teach you in business school, is taking sh!t."

This is probably a good reason why at almost thirty, like Stiffler, I was still doing jobs instead of laying the foundations of a career. Something which has cost me in later life. To many extents I am still just doing jobs and lack the financial security a career offers. So do I wish I had left the party earlier? Hell no! 

However, I do wish I'd started a career whilst partying, as I now realise growing up and having 'old skool fun' need not have been mutually exclusive. The things I miss from that time in my life is the tomfoolery, the lack of any pretence, not caring what anyone thought, making fun a priority. Sometimes things are best left as fond memories because things do change. I still don't want the party to end, there just isn't a party any more. 

The Discipline Route

Part of every mid life ... re-evaluation must include trying not to look middle aged. A such I've tried to ease myself back into running lately. I'd managed a few 5km jogs but they had not been easy. So tonight I came up with a plan and convinced myself that if I ran a longer distance then when I next run 5km it will seem easy. Or that was the plan at least ...

I set off at a purposefully slower pace and decided a different route would help break the monotony. I wasn't quite sure which route so just headed off in a different direction. All went well for the first kilometre but as I neared the 2km mark fate dealt me an unexpected hand. When running I tend to switch off and run on auto-pilot and just as I approached a junction there was a family of walkers so to avoid them I veered off to the left.

Being in auto-pilot my subconscious mind must have recognised one of my old running routes and without even thinking (quite literally) I ventured off down this route. I must have run another 500m before it dawned on me what I'd done. I'd taken the 'discipline route'. I nicknamed this for one reason only. There are no short cuts back, at all, whatsoever. The only short route back is to physically turnaround and run the same footpath back which definitely feels like defeat.

The key reason for the lack of short cuts is that it runs along side a canal surrounded by private land. The next point at which you can turn around is a bridge at the 5km mark. The other thing you should know about this route is that it is a 10km run. Once you do hit the 5km mark the shortest route back is well, 5km. There are no short cuts.

Now 2.5km in my legs are still quite fresh, the view by the canal in the evening is beautiful and so I convince myself that I can do it. But there is another issue. I had promised my wife I wouldn't be late as I had to bath the kids before bedtime. This meant I had to try and up my pace and at least make it back with an hour of my start time.

I had further failed to factor in the recent bad weather. 5km of this route was cross-country. The ground under foot was wet, muddy, slippery and continually trying twist my ankles. On top of the that the constant showers and sunshine had meant the grass, weeds, stinging nettles and brambles were growing into a jungle. 4km in and this was beginning look like a very bad idea.

I could either turn back and face the route of shame, back through the overgrowth and mud, or plough on the remaining 6km knowing that after approximately 1-2km the ground would become good as I would be back to running on asphalt roads and footpaths. Pressing on the overgrowth was such that I couldn't even see the path. The nettles had now stung my lower legs so much that I couldn't feel the stings any more.

I'm feeling fatigued and as I cross the bridge at the 5km mark my brain is reminding me I have same to do again. As I get back to the first road my body is starting to feel the pains of my efforts. My right knee is beginning to ache but more so my left hip. Now I'm not sure what that's all about. It's been apparent a few times lately but it's nothing I ever used to get through exercise. 

My aching hip makes me think of old people talking of their hip replacements but surely even at 41 I'm too young for that. I then remember a lady I once worked with who at 28 was told she would soon need a hip replacement. I often fantasised about just what a lady could've been up to to wear her hips out by such a young age!

Plodding on the nice lady on my mobile phone/GPS running app is pointing out that my pace is slowing considerably but as I look up I'm now facing a long slow hill and any thoughts of upping my pace are swiftly dispensed with. As I round the top I convince myself that it's all down hill from there. Of course it's not but that's what I'm telling myself.

As GPS lady tells me I've run 8km the aches are now definitely becoming pains. My hip is throbbing and my knee is struggling. I'm well and truly fatigued but know I can't be late back. GPS lady updates me once more and I suddenly realise my mental maths have been wrong and I'm actually not far off from my target time. Perhaps the pain and discomfort is just making it feel slower.

Inspired by this I try to raise my pace to get myself back on target. I convince myself that the moment GPS lady says 10km I'm going to stop the pain and limp/walk the rest of the way home. Panting up the next long slope I can't hear her next update but I'm guessing she said 9km. I keep pushing telling myself by the time I get to the park it will be 10km and I can walk the rest. I put on a final sprint to the park and just as I arrive I hear the GPS voice starting and the relief it brings.

"Your total distance is 9.33km."

What the f*ck!? She was meant to say 10km, the bitch! Mentally I've finished and lady muck is telling me I've got more to go. The pain now feels twice as bad as I try to keep my legs and mind going. It must be 10km by the time I get to the parade of shops. I tell myself. 


I knew at the outset this run would be as much mental as physical and that was before my evil subconscious took me down the discipline route. My hip and knee are throbbing but now there's something else. My nipple feel like they've been doing the lambada with a cheese grater. Joggers nipple. Tits!

I get to the shops and not trusting lady muck I get the phone out and look at the display still not 10km. Arse. I'm hobbling now and trying to hold my shirt off of my nipples which only serves to make it look like I'm trying to convince people I have breasts. My house MUST be 10km, I've run it before and it was definitely 10km. As I take the final corner the screen is still not my friend. I realise in my frustration I cut across the park instead of going around it.

I reach the path of my house. 9.8km. I've always prided myself on my mental strength and the ability to push myself but I'm done. 57 minutes and I'm not late but 200m is just a bridge too far. I ache, I'm in pain, I'm throbbing and I can't help feeling it's gonna feel a whole lot worse tomorrow!

Gratitude List

I remember hearing someone once say how everyday when they woke up they wrote a list if all of the things that they were grateful for in their life. This is a lovely idea, too often the mid life ... re-evaluation ... focuses on what is missing from our lives without giving enough consideration as to what we already have.

Where is the love ...

... films about couples who have been married over 10 years and aren't experiencing some kind of life event like having a baby, getting over an accident/illness, children getting married, dying, etc etc??? I'm sure there may be the odd exception, I just can't think of any. Most romantic films are about new relationships. These are of course new, exciting, full of unknowns, in short, everything that an established relationship is not. That does not mean that new relationships are better, they are just at a different stage.

These movies are just capturing the start of a relationship which, if successful, will one day become an  established relationship. In the day-to-day goings on of an established relationship there are not many unknowns, not much that is new, and perhaps not much that is exciting and this is exactly what they are meant to be, stable, predictable, secure. 


During the initial phase one overlooks any shortcomings or annoyances in a partner and one focuses on the good. If not careful over time the polarity of this viewpoint can reverse. The good points get overlooked, or taken for granted, and then even little annoyances seem to grab the attention. Maybe its like adrenaline, when at risk and pumped full of adrenaline you fail to feel the pains but when the situation is normal and good even the smallest pain stands out. 

Compromised or Compromise?

Uni-on [noun]

1. the act of uniting two or more things.
2. the state of being united.
3. a number of persons joined or associated together for some common purpose

Something to prove?

Ok, a bit off topic. I've often suspected that by and large what you see of people is driven more by insecurity than anything else. Of these insecurities I feel frustrated by peoples need to try and prove things to others. You can see it an so many aspects of their lives. Marketeers are of course are well aware this and successfully manipulate these insecurities to create markets (or victims of their will power).

Take for example clothing and the boom in brands to try help people pass themselves off as middle class or having some degree of income/wealth. Those with class/money don't wear labels (at least not in an emblazoned fashion). They do not need to, they are what or who they are and so do not feel the need to try and convince others of their status in life. It's only those that are not that try and convince us otherwise. Of course we do not see this just in clothing but all aspects of life where materials possessions are involved.

All possessions are but props in life. Take two people from opposite ends of the scale and strip them of all of their possessions (you're mentally picturing them naked now aren't you). In this scenario what marks one person out as being better than the other? What makes one persons love of his family better than the others? What allows you to measure one as more successful than the other? How is one persons happiness measured as being superior to the others?

I am not suggesting that possessions aren't important or have their place. Just that the choosing of them should be solely influenced by what you, whether as an individual/a couple/family, want not because of what others think of them. I wear what I wear because I like it, no other reason. My clothing is cheap but I like how it looks and feels and it means I don't get arrested for public nudity. I can afford the middle class labels but fail to see the value add. To me a t-shirt is a t-shirt regardless of the label. The sad thing is that the victims of the marketeers feel giving in to their insecurities makes them better than those who do not. Twisted huh?

Where do Egyptians swim?

Am I in denial? The symptoms are there, but what differentiates a reasonable middle aged re-evaluation and a mid life crisis? This has prompted me to do a little research on the topic and it really is quite scary. Whilst there are many amusing anecdotes there also some terrible tales of the damage and hurt that a mid life crisis can cause. Yep, I may regret having not done some things so far but there's plenty of tales about people who have gone on to regret what they did as a result of a mid life crisis.


Well the mid life bit is easy so what constitutes a crisis? Time for a quick look at the dictionary:


Cri-sis [noun]

1. a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.
2. a condition of instability or danger, as in social, economic, political, or international affairs, leading to a decisive change.
3. a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
4. the point in a play or story at which hostile elements are most tensely opposed to each other.

Hmmm, a 'condition of instability or danger', quite possibly. 'Dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval', 'point in a story at which hostile elements are most tensely opposed to each other'. Certainly these fit a few of the tales I've read about. But what about 'for better or worse', many of us had heard that before, isn't that the the vow us married couples make to each other??? Of course as well as the term 'mid life crisis' do we also have the term 'averting a crisis'. 



A-vert [verb]

1. to turn away or aside
2. to ward off, prevent

People seem to talk of mid life crisis with a certain aspect of inevitability but for every tale of mid life crisis there are far more cases where it either wasn't an issue or just didn't happen. Whilst I feel the need for some tweaks or changes to the way lead my life I'm yet to feel the desire to do anything too radical. Tweaks are fine, if we're honest tweaking is what we've been doing all of our lives. Maybe tweaking hasn't been enough and maybe a larger change of course is required. Crisis only seems to refer to drastic measures. So how to make larger tweaks but avert the crisis?

Step 1: Recognition

Step 2: Acceptance, not denial.

Step 3: Come up with a plan!

Want, Need, Would like

One of my annoyances in life is hearing what people want. Not because I have a problem with what they want. I have a problem with their use of the word want. All too commonly, what they mean is 'would like' and there in lies the problem. If you 'need' something then it is a necessity. If you 'want' something then it is desired. If you 'would like' something then all you are doing is expressing a desire in a non-committal manner. 

It reminds of a story, I cannot remember the exact details but as with all good urban legends I remember the punchline. The story is of a young man who 'wants', he seeks the advice of a mentor who 'has' and the young man repeatedly keeps asking 'how'. Finally, the mentor leads him into the sea and holds the young mans head underwater. At first the young man is confused, then after a few seconds he tries to lift his head out of the water. The mentor resists and continues to hold the young mans head underwater. Getting more desperate the young tries to force his head up but to no avail. Eventually as he is running out of breath he starts to flail and lash out wildly at the mentor until eventually the mentor yields and the young man is able to come up for air. Confused and angry he asks the mentor why he was trying to drown him. The mentor replies along the lines of "only when you want something as much as you wanted to breathe just then, will you find a way and do what needs to done to achieve it'. Or something like that ...

When people tell me that they 'want' something in life I always want to ask them what they are doing about it. What is there plan? What steps are they taking towards achieving it? There is the crux of my frustration. The answer most commonly eludes to 'nothing'. What they mean is 'would like' or put another way, they'd take it if someone handed it to them on a plate. When someone 'would like' something it leans more towards desire but without the compulsion to get off one's arse and do something about it. 

Being honest about what one needs, wants and would like leads to contentment. I know that if I really needed or wanted something then I'd be doing something about it. If it's just something I would like then it's probably not all that important to me.

Because you're worth it!

Or are you????

The media constantly seem to be telling us that we deserve more. Better sex, more money, fantastic holidays, nice cars, you name it. Of course in most cases it's because they want to sell us something. Almost instinctively we answer this question 'yes' because that's what we'd all like to believe and of course the marketeers know this.

Perhaps before answering this question we should ask ourselves the question, why? Why do we deserve more? What have we done that warrants all of these things? A common term used with regard to the current generation is that of entitlement. It's is the older generations that raise this criticism because it seems they were brought up with an entirely different ethos. They were brought up under the belief that 'you reap what you sow' or put more commonly, 'you get what you deserve' which in short translates to 'you've currently got what you currently deserve and if you deserved more you'd have it'.

Of course this doesn't sit well with our ideals and maybe it's not something we want to acknowledge but in 9 out of 10 cases it's probably spot on. It seems that somewhere along the lines we've been sold a dummy. Somewhere along the lines someone started to convince us that just doing the ordinary day to day things (working hard, raising a family, etc) that our elders did just to get by suddenly entitles us to 'more' than they ever got.  Where is the justification?

When children leave home it seems that they want to walk straight into what they've just walked out of. Perhaps not a house but the 'luxuries' with in it (nice furniture, tv's, computers, games consoles, media players, etc, etc). The parents home represented the rewards of years of work and effort. How can it be conceivable that someone starting out should have anywhere near the same?

I'm not just referring to material things either. It is already acknowledged that the standard of living or quality of life has been increasing with each generation. Perhaps we should be content with this fact and if we desire more, then maybe we should get off our arses and do something to deserve it.